PENGUINS ARE NOT A BIRD TEAM
Eagles. Hawks. Falcons. Raptors. For generations, the world of sports has been dominated by an unstoppable alliance of aerial athletes. Even in the darkest of times, these fearlessly feathered fowls used the miraculous gift of flight to embody the single quality which defines America: Freedom.
Let's look at the FACTS:
| Birds | Penguins | |
|---|---|---|
| Can fly | ||
| Have REAL feathers | ||
| CAWWWWWWWWWWW | ||
| Superbowl champions | ||
| Top O' Da League | ||
| Champions of Europe | ||
| Jungle Juice Cup Champions |
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Further Sources & Evidence
The position of the Bird Team Association™ is not an opinion. It is the settled consensus of every credentialed body that has bothered to look up. What follows is a partial bibliography of the literature. Several entries have been withheld on the advice of counsel.
- “Zero for Two Thousand: A Longitudinal Study of Penguin Flight Attempts From Furniture of Increasing Height.” Journal of Applied Ornithological Purity, vol. 47, no. 3, pp. 112–140. Study terminated early after the cohort “stopped trying.”
- Technical Bulletin BTA‑0014: Feather or Fraud? Spectrographic Analysis of the Penguin Integument. Sample returned results “materially indistinguishable from a wetsuit.”
- “On the Tuxedo: Formalwear as a Vector of Avian Impersonation.” Quarterly Review of Aerial Legitimacy, vol. 12, no. 1, pp. 4–9. No eagle has ever needed to dress up to be taken seriously.
- “CAWWWWWWWWWWW: An Acoustic Taxonomy of Legitimate Bird Vocalization, With Notes on the So‑Called Penguin ‘Bray.’” Annals of Verified Flight, vol. 88, pp. 301–377. Spectrograms available on request. They are upsetting.
- Water Is Not Sky: A Rebuttal to “Swimming Is Just Flying Underwater.” White paper. 4 pp. Three of them are the word “no.”
- Errata Report: Concerning an Unsigned 1758 Margin Note. Concludes the original classification was entered by a seasonal employee.
- “Nobody Has Ever Seen One In A Tree.” Field Notes in Vertical Habitation, vol. 5, pp. 1–1.
- Minutes of the 41st Session: In the Matter of the Flightless. Document BTA‑COUA‑41. Pages 6–9 redacted.
- “The Pittsburgh Question.” Suppressed Withdrawn from publication at the request of the penguin lobby.
- , 1961 ed., p. 44. The chapter titled “Birds” does not mention them. We consider this dispositive.
The Bird Team Association™ is a 501(c)(bird) organization. All findings above are peer‑reviewed internally, by our own peers. Citations are provided for illustrative purposes and are, much like the penguin’s claim to flight, entirely unsupported.
PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS PENGUINS ARE NOT BIRDS